it's

*** A SPECIAL GAY QUESTIONS EDITION

Hey Dart,

Where have you been?

I MISS YOU.

How are you? Not that I know you, or that I’ve ever met you, so why should I , or should you, care about all that.

My question today, today being Wednesday, (don’t know what time or day it is where you are?) is simple. I hope you're answer is simple cause I am told I am a simple girl.

My boyfriend (yes, I’m dating) likes flat-chested girls who don’t wear dresses.

Is he gay?

Billie-Jean Iznotmychild
Jacksonville

- - -

Well B-J.,

I assume if he’s dating you, if he wasn’t gay before he met you, he is now.

+ + +

D-d-d-dart!

I wish I could tell you how hard it is writing to you, but if I did I would probably be arrested again and put away in a place where once again forced to shower with sweaty men bigger than me.

But I digress.

My current squeeze, Lance, confided in me recently that his previous lover gave him crabs. As you can imagine, this upset me greatly.

So, should I try to outdo and better his ex by treating Lance to lobster at RED LOBSTER or some other seafood joint? If it matters RED LOBSTER is currently celebrating LOBSTERFEST.

O. Henry
Not Hershey, PA

- - -

O.H.,

Is Lance’s last name A-lot? Just checking. Are there nuts in Hershey? Just checking?

+ + +

Hello D.B.,

Knowing you know everything, and I know nothing, I have a simple question.

If you don’t know already, I’m, aw shucks, let me say it like it is, I’m homophobic.

Do you know if there are any states, or countries, I could move to and settle there, with my family and our dogs, where being gay is illegal and instead of having GAY PRIDE they celebrate GAY HIDE.

Sarah Palin
The State of Confusion, (Alaska)

- - -

Hey, ex-Gov.,

Or do you prefer losing V.P. candidate?

Why didn’t you not think of this earlier? I’m sure this exit would make many people very, very happy.

But before you start to pack and googling TRAVELOCITY, maybe think of staying put. If your slutty tramp daughter turns lesbian, the worry of another cheap wreckless unwanted pregnancy would disappear.

Aren’t there enough crying Palins already?

* * * * *

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the DARTBOARD interview: Miley Cyrus

2010-04-12T11:44:00.004-04:00

DbD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Miley Cyrus.
Is it okay to call you Miley?

Miley Cyrus: No I prefer you call me Hannah or Miss Montana, or Hannah Montana. Big shout to my cousins, Hanah Alabama, Hanah California, Hannah Alaska and my Canadian cousin Hannah Alberta.

Miley Cyrus: Hey girls!

DbD: By the way did you ride your bike to come over here today?

Miley Cyrus: No, I took my surfboard. My daddy won’t let me on my bike after I fell off and broke some of my front teeth. Do you know how much front teeth cost?

DbD: Probable expensive.

Miley Cyrus: Yeah, and you multiple that times 50 front teeth and I need a good hit record pronto.

DbD: You’re going to be 18 this year, that’s legal age. Any plans for your birthday?

Miley Cyrus: Get drunk with my dad, OOPS, I mean go to Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe do a home video with my boyfriend, like Paris Hilton did, OOPS, will my dad be reading this?

DbD: Hope so.

Miley Cyrus: Okay, what I meant was do a video like Minnie Mouse.

DbD: Speaking of your dad, you two are very similar, both being successful country singers and…

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, I don’t think so. There is a BIG difference -- like I ride, or used to, ride a girl’s bike and he rides a boy’s bike. He grows hair and my face, I don’t. He’s married to my mommy, I’m not. He pees standing up, I don’t. That’s not the same is it? Not even close.

DbD: Are you dating right now?

Miley Cyrus: I never do that.

DbD: Never date?

Miley Cyrus: Oh date, I thought you said mate. If I was mating, my daddy would hog-tie me and throw me to the dogs.

DbD: Does it bother you having all these front teeth?

Miley Cyrus: Comes in really handy when my mommy makes some corn on the cob.

DbD: We read that you write many of your own songs.

Miley Cyrus: Sorry, that’s not true. I print them.

DbD: Your movie was in 3D who’s idea was that?

Miley Cyrus: That was mine, I wanted to make my boobs look bigger.

DbD: Miley…

Miley Cyrus: That’s Hannah, Montana, MONTANA!

DbD: Wherever. Good-bye.

* * *

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2010-04-12T10:30:00.002-04:00

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REAL NEWS: she has killer boobs

2010-04-08T07:15:00.001-04:00

British woman Claire Smedley almost killed her lover during sex - with her enormous breasts.

Mum-of-three Smedley, 27, who has 40LL breasts, panicked when she lifted them up while having sex and found that her lover Steven had stopped breathing.

In an exclusive video interview with the News of the World, she revealed how Steven usually loved being smothered by her breasts.

"This time, he started flailing around a bit but I assumed it was because he was so excited, so I kept going. A few minutes later I noticed he'd stopped moving," she said.

By then, sales assistant Steven, also 27, was still and appeared to not be breathing.

"I was panicking and just about to call 999 when, thankfully, he started to come round.

"He was really woozy, like he was in a trance. Then he sort of coughed and sat up. I was so relieved," the News of the World quoted Smedley as saying.

"I did think my time had come. I tried to slap her on her arm to get her to stop and get off me, but I think she misread the signals.

"The next thing I knew, she was sitting over me asking if I was all right. I must have blacked out. It was pretty hair-raising," Steven said.

Smedley said: "After that he went off sex."
- ANI

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what will we think of next?

2010-04-06T19:03:00.002-04:00

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M-I-C (see you real soon) K-E-Y (why? because we like you), Modest Mickey Rourke speaks:

2010-04-01T16:57:00.008-04:00

"I once spent a weekend in the UK and had 14 women in one night."

* * *

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THE NAKED TRUTH: If Jenn Aniston says something, we listen! So should all your FRIENDS!

2010-04-01T16:37:00.010-04:00

"Look I eat really well and I work out, but I also indulge when I want to. I don’t starve myself in an extremist way. You’re not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I’d be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day."

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Jessica says so, so it must be so

2010-04-01T07:13:00.005-04:00

"I will never do nudity. I don't care how dark and intellectual the role could be, you know, I don't care if I frickin' could get an Oscar for it, I'm not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don't think people deserve to see what's under my clothing. That's only for my next husband."

* * *

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PIC OF THE WEAK

2010-03-31T12:31:00.005-04:00

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REASON to only show your FACE

2010-03-29T12:13:00.006-04:00

ASSES TO ASHES

2010-03-26T15:12:00.005-04:00

In CANADA, the National Coalition Against Contraband Tobacco tell us (as if we didn't know) illegal cigarettes are not just sold illegally, but are manufactured that way, too.

They continue telling us that many of these underground processing areas are set up in tool sheds and garages, where spider's eggs, animal and even human feces can mix with the finished product.

(Ewwww! We didn't know that -- we give up!)

* * *

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SEND HELP! SHE'S ga-ga ING!!

2010-03-26T14:15:00.010-04:00

Confessing to U.K.'s Daily Mirror she's sworn off good lovin' for her whole tour.

"I'm single," said Gaga, 23. "I haven't got time to spend on the road to get to know anyone. Even Lady GaGa can be celibate, you don't have to have sex to be loved."

+ + +

BY THE WAY - She's the one on the left.

GENTLEMEN - Would you do her?

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD very exclusive INTERVIEW: Nadya "OCTOMOM" Suleman

2010-03-20T17:06:00.007-04:00

DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Nadya. And I see you brought your 14 children with you.

OCTOMOM: Yes I did. You notice they all have name tags on them so I can tell them apart. All babies look alike as you probably know. When I first saw the last eight on the ultrasound – they all looked the same. They had to have one of those big screen jobs so I could see all of them looking alike.

Can I introduce them to you?

DARTBOARD: Sure

OCTOMOM: Okay, first this is Eenie, then Meennie, Miny, and Moe, then there’s Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, and Grumpy, and in the back is Curly, Larry, Moe and Ringo.

DARTBOARD: That’s 15. I thought you had 14.

OCTOMOM: I do. One of them is not mine. I’m babysitting one for a friend.

DARTBOARD: Which one?

OCTOMOM: To be honest – I don’t remember.

DARTBOARD: Nevermind.

OCTOMOM: I don’t.

DARTBOARD: Mind if I ask a question?

OCTOMOM: That is a question.

DARTBOARD: How do you manage to feed all these little ones?

OCTOMOM: Easy – I rent a cow.

DARTBOARD: Do you have any plans for yourself?

OCTOMOM: Well if don't get that job working at the circus – I might run for governor of Alaska.

DARTBOARD: Ms Suleman, thanks for coming in.

OCTOMOM: Don’t you want to see me breast feed?

DARTBOARD: No thanks. Good night.

* * *

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BBC NEWS REPORTS:

2010-03-20T15:18:00.009-04:00

The trusted news source says:

MAN ASSAULTED OFFICER WITH PENIS

A man who assaulted a female police officer with his penis has been fined.

Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way.

Lithuanian Varinauskas admitted a charge of assault at Aberdeen Sheriff Court and was fined £600.

The court heard he had been drinking heavily and could not remember committing the offence at his home in Aberdeen.

Police were called to his home by his girlfriend, who had complained about him being drunk last November.

They arrived to find the self-employed engineer sitting on the sofa wearing a pair of underpants.

“ He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed ”
John Hardie Defence solicitor.

Fiscal depute Elaine Lynch said: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck."

Defence solicitor John Hardie said: "He was sitting on the couch drunk with his pants on.

"He can't remember anything but accepts that if that's what the police say then that's what happened.

"He has never been so drunk before that day and accepts he has to take full responsibility. He apologises profusely and is extremely embarrassed."

His not guilty plea to committing a breach of the peace by uttering offensive and sexual remarks was accepted by the Crown.

Sheriff Annella Cowan was told that the Lithuanian had now quit binge drinking because of the incident.

- - -

The Dartboard says:

"What a dick!"

"Will this hold up in court?"

"Lucky it wasn't a stick-up"

"Do the police have hard evidence?"

"The guy must have had balls."

p.s. check out the name of the Defence solicitor -- > John Hardie

* * *

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NEW WORDS

2010-03-18T11:18:00.010-04:00

ANAGRAM --> a type of word play, the result of rearranging the letters of a word or phrase to produce a new word or phrase, using all the original letters exactly once.

Jerry Lewis
Jewelry, Sir

Tom Cruise
I'm So Cuter

Kim Kardashian
I Am a Kind Shark

John Mayer
Enjoy Harm

Sandra Bullock
Skull and Cobra

Arnold Schwarzenegger
He's Grown Large 'n' Crazed

Beyonce Knowles
Woken Obscenely

Justin Timberlake
I'm a Jerk, But Listen

James Cameron
Major Menaces

Bob Dylan
Bald, Bony

Robin Williams
I Warm Billions

Mel Gibson
Big Melons

Clint Eastwood
Old West Action

Jerry Seinfeld
Friendly Jeers

Tiger Woods
Got Weirdos

Kirstie Alley
Likes Reality

Britney Spears
Presbyterians

Conan O'Brien
Inane Bronco

Howard Stern
Wonder Trash

Woody Allen
A Lewd Loony

Jennifer Aniston
Fine in Torn Jeans

Sylvester Stallone
Slovenly Steel Star

Paul McCartney
Pay Mr. Clean-Cut

Heidi Montag
Imagined Hot

George Clooney
Cool Energy, Ego

David Letterman
Nerd Amid Late TV

Sarah Palin
A Plain Rash

Leonard Nimoy
I'm Only a Drone

Drew Barrymore
Merry Wardrobe

Madonna Louise Ciccone
One Cool Dance Musician

* * *

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CUM AND GET SOME!

2010-03-10T08:25:00.008-05:00

THE WIDE WORLD OF SEX

WHERE TO GO – WHEN YOU WANT TO GET SOME

From England’s THE SUN, here’s a guide…..

Sweden
is home to the most bisexual babes in the world, a new study has revealed.
Nordic naughtiness is all the rage with the blonde beauties over there.
But they don't top the league when it comes to lasting the longest in bed - held by Brazil - or come near San Francisco as the kinkiest place to visit.
Here, Rhian Sanville takes a flick through the global sex atlas and picks out some of the hottest facts ever.

New Zealand
Totalling an average of 20.4 sexual partners in a lifetime, New Zealand has the most promiscuous women in the world, a survey reveals.

Austria
With an average of 29.3 sexual partners, Austria's men are the most promiscuous in the world, a survey reveals.
Germany

Germany
is the country with the world's worst lovers as revealed by OnePoll.com survey taken by women from 20 different countries - the reason they gave was that they were 'too smelly'.

Spain
is home to the world's best lovers as revealed by OnePoll.com survey taken by women from 20 different countries.

Thailand
At an average of 10 minutes, sex in Thailand is believed to last the shortest amount of time in the world.

Greece
A Durex survey revealed that Greece is the horniest country in the world.

Brazil
According to The Penguin Atlas of Human Sexual Behaviour, sex lasts the longest in , at an average of 30 minutes.

Australia
Australian breasts are blooming lovely, with over 40 per cent of Australian women now buying bras with a cup size of DD or higher - some bra companies have introduced cup sizes as high as K to accommodate the busty Aussie girls.

Indonesia
Seven times a year on a holiday called 'Pon', Indonesians make a pilgrimage to a sacred mountain on Java to get down and dirty with a person other than their spouse - if they sleep with that same person seven times, they believe their wishes and blessings will come true.

India
When India's first phone-sex line went live, it became so popular that it was driving its users into debt - so the Indian government shut it down.

France
A Marie Claire survey found that 41 per cent of French people have participated in an orgy and 27 per cent have engaged in partner swapping. It is also believed that the French give and receive the most fellatio.

Japan
With a total of 500 people taking part, Japan has successfully set the world record for world's largest orgy. The Harajuku area of Tokyo is famous across the world for its fetish fashions - the most recent fetish-fashion craze to sweep the area is 'injured idol', where scantily clad women dress up in bandages.

Mykonos, Greece
Anything goes on this Greek island, which has been dubbed 'the world's adult playground'.

San Fernando Valley, California, USA
Nearly 90 per cent of all legally distributed pornographic films made in the United States are either filmed in or produced by studios based in the San Fernando Valley - aka "Porn Valley", "San Pornando Valley" or "Silicone Valley".

San Francisco, California, USA
This city is host to the World's largest showcase for S&M products and culture - the Folsom Street Fair.

Tel Aviv, Israel
This city is known as the 'brothel capital of the world', with an estimated 250 knocking shops.

Cap d'Agde, France
Unsurprisingly, France boasts the largest naturist resort in the world - the Cap d'Agde, whose 'Village Naturiste' is made up of a small town and a 2km beach.

Upminster, England
The residents of this suburban town are the kinkiest in England - they spend 7.9 times the national average on sex toys and DVDs to boost their sex lives.

---------------

DARTBOARD says "Could all this be the cause of global warming?"

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everybody's on dat FACEBOOK

2010-03-08T22:40:00.001-05:00

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THE DARTBOARD: If you have the right questions, the DARTBOARD has the right answers

2010-03-08T20:47:00.008-05:00

DARTBOARD, I mean Dart. How are you?

Have you ever had strong feelings about animals?

What I mean is, and don’t take it the wrong way, lately there is something about my pet that makes me feel warm inside.

Do you know what I mean? Do you know the feeling?

When I stroke its belly, I see its lips move.

I think it (the pet) might be telling me something like “MORE! MORE! MORE!”

The eyes too – always watching me – blink at me as if my pet is telling me it shares the same feelings and urges that I am experiencing.

Do you think it will be soon that people like me will be allowed to marry their same-sex pet?

My fish (Goldie) and I will wait patiently for your answer.

Mike Rotch

-----------------

Well M.R.,

I’d like to answer your question but I have no aspirations of running for any political position or a doing a right wing highly-opinionated talk show.

* * *

Dear Dart,

I’m writing this on a postcard so I can impress people that I travel a lot.

That’s all.

Mia Azsmellz

--------------

Thank you Mia. Next time could you NOT write me in crayon. They might be toxic. Try writing in pencil (unless your doctor says that you should stay away from anything sharp).

***

Dear D.B.,

If the phone rings in the middle of the night should I answer it? And speaking of phones, how come in the phonebook, they put the last name first and the first name last? And why did they pick yellow to be the colour of the yellow pages?

Jerry Seinfeld

***

Dear Jerry,

Haven't you got better things to do than to ask me such stupid questions and come up with a the worst lame-ass prime time TV game show since the invention of gravity?

How’s Kramer?

* * * *

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2010-03-08T19:23:00.002-05:00

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2010-03-08T11:22:00.006-05:00

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Hurry up and contact OCTOMOM!! Breaking News: The PERFECT BABYSITTER has arrived!

2010-03-06T17:55:00.008-05:00

As you might have guessed, reading blogs is an addiction THE DARTBOARD has a serious problem shaking. Before going to blog rehab, we found this in the GOTHAMIST:

MOM SAYS PLASTIC SURGEON GAVE HER FOUR BREASTS

A Staten Island mother has filed a $5 million lawsuit against a plastic surgeon who she claims botched her breast implant surgery, leaving her with a disfigured chest that ruined her marriage.

According to her attorney, surgery that was supposed to give 47-year-old Maria Alaimo 36 C cups resulted in painful "double-bubble" deformities, meaning she "came out of that operation with essentially four breasts."

According to the Staten Island Advance, Alaimo is suing Dr. Keith Berman, his staff, as well as medical websites that referred her to him. The paper notes that Alaimo paid $2,999 and $500 referral fee for the procedure in 2003, but her breasts now "appear flattened on the bottom with severe swells the size of a softball on top."

In court documents, Alaimo claims those disfigurements caused "pain ... disability, loss of self-esteem, humiliation and embarrassment." She also alleges the surgery lead to her divorce, because she wouldn't allow her husband to see her nude after the procedure.

According to her attorney, the surgeon didn't make "crucial" markings on the patient's chest before the surgery, though the doctor indicated he did on medical documents.

After the surgery, Alaimo underwent two corrective procedures—the first with the original doctor—and she purportedly suffered more scarring and "implants that slid downward, making her breasts appear even further deformed."

The doctor's attorney, Jerry Giardina, said Alaimo should have been more aware of the risks of plastic surgery before she went under the knife. "Plastic surgery is trivialized, but the reality is that plastic surgery is just that—surgery. There are no guarantees. What one person responds to, another does not."

* * *

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WARNING Signs you need a new doctor

2010-03-01T21:57:00.014-05:00

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."

• He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."

• Instead of rubber surgical gloves, he wears oven mitts.

• He is known to the other doctors as "the defendant."

• After examining you, he says, "Now your turn to do me."

• He sends you to the airport for x-rays.

• He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."

• He tries to colour your X-rays with crayons.

• His examination room is Room 69 at the No-Tell Motel.

• He tells you his anesthesiologist name is "Jim Beam."

• Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to work this time."

• When he says “my practice” he means “to practice”.

• He faints at the sight if blood.

• He asks you for your phone number after a physical exam

* * *

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CELEB SAID -- DART SAID

2010-02-28T14:39:00.008-05:00

THE DARTBOARD CALL THEM AS WE THEM -- WHEN "SHUT-UP" IS NOT ENOUGH

“I’ve been waiting so long to hug my grandchildren.”
Jon Voight

DART SAYS: Careful no inappropriate touching grandpa! It’s illegal in some states.

“I cultivated a real relationship with him the last 2 years of his life. It was the coolest thing. I would have tea with him- sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week.”
Paula Abdul (about Simon Cowell)

DART SAYS: And some people cultivate wheat, corn, or rice.

“I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.”
Elton John

DART SAYS: Is that what BENNY AND THE JETS was all about?

"I am thrilled to be on this show and to be part of a program that educates teens and young adults about the consequences of teen pregnancy,"
Bristol Palin

DART SAYS: And could she teach us about hunting polar bears and snow-shoeing in next 25 minutes?

"Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that's what I will continue to do."
Lindsay Lohan

DART SAYS: Why not open a school with Bristol?

“Sometimes I find my head spinning. Not because of alcohol, but because of my life.”
Lady Gaga

DART SAYS: we think it’s more likely those stupid hats you wear pressing down on your skull.

“I broke no regulation, offered no 'safety risk' (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?) I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight.”
Kevin Smith

DART SAYS: Isn’t that the underwear bomber’s defence?

“I don't think I've ever liked having sex with someone more than two years!”
Jenny McCarthy

DART SAYS: WOW! Congrats! For some people more than 20 minutes with eyes closed is a major accomplishment.”

“Some people eat, some people drink -- but I Pledge everything.”
Johnny Weir (figure skater)

DART SAYS: Something tells us he’s not talking about polishing furniture, buy maybe he is.

“I really hate vaginas. I'm allergic to vaginas.”
Robert Pattinson

DART SAYS: Smart guy, you’ll save lots of cash on condoms and mouthwash.

“No one believes me when I talk about this, but I'm really, really maternal.”
Megan Fox

DART SAYS: Make us believers – show us the breast-feeding pics.

“I didn't get them as big as I originally wanted.”
Heidi Montag

DART SAYS: BRAINS – right?

“Look, if I have to wear a trash bag I'll belt it with rhinestones and I'll make it work.”
Sandra Bullock

DART SAYS: It works for Amy Winehouse, right?

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CANADA eh! (BURP) ...where girls can be hosers, thus entitled to COLD ONES from MOLSON. Pass 'em some brewskees!

2010-02-26T11:14:00.022-05:00

"It is not what we want to see," Gilbert Felli the executive director of the International Olympic Committee told AP. "I don't think it's a good promotion of sport values. If they celebrate in the changing room, that's one thing, but not in public."

(BELCH)

"OH CAN-A-DA, WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE!" (dartboard)

LADIES! you think that cameltoe is embarrassing -- here definitely SIZE MATTERS

2010-02-25T22:02:00.005-05:00

thank you LADY for donating your hat

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If you wanna get to HEAVEN

2010-02-25T17:42:00.006-05:00

you got to raise a little HELL

A(MEN)!

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LOVE TO BE EMPLOYEE of THE MONTH?

2010-02-24T22:56:00.004-05:00

HERE'S YOUR CHANCE...

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what's WRONG with is picture?

2010-02-24T15:10:00.001-05:00

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How you can tell your boss (or husband, wife, favorite politician, golf pro, etc.) is a dirty cheating scumbag

2010-02-17T14:25:00.012-05:00

* Instead of papers on his desk is a mattress.

* He answers his cellphone in a whisper when you’re close by.

* He advertises for new help on Craig’s List and does interviews by candelight wine and music, after hours.

* He changes his clothes when he leaves for lunch then changes them back when he gets back.

* He knows all the nearby hotels, their room rates, and the name of the maid on the 10th floor.

* His Facebook picture is a body part of his.

* If you ask him if he talks to his wife after sex, he tells you “Yes, if there is a phone nearby.”

* He goes to a convention in Las Vegas on every weekend.

* For office parties he uses blow-up condoms instead of balloons

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the dartboard interview: Kim Kardasian

2010-02-17T14:15:00.003-05:00

dartboard: We’re just waiting for our guest Kim Kardasian to arrive. Oh, here she is...

Kim: So sorry I’m late. I feel like such an ass. I got rear-ended.

dartboard: A car accident?

Kim: What else?

dartboard: Sorry, just trying to made a bad crack.

Kim: Oh my! You mean my pants are too tight again?

dartboard: Never mind -- have a seat.

Kim: I know I do.

dartboard: By the way, how are things going with your man Reggie Bush?

Kim: Mmmmm I love Bush.

dartboard: Really. We didn’t know that.

Kim: Are you trying to make a bad crack about my favorite number one?

dartboard: No. Maybe. Everybody knows that Reggie is your favorite number two. By the way during football season and Reggie’s away playing ball, what do you do to keep busy?

Kim: Oh, I think of him day and night, night and day, while sucking on cucumbers and bananas.

dartboard: Too much information. Do you play football?

Kim: I’ve always like being a tight end.

dartboard: Tell us more, do you play in bed?

Kim: Reggie is really good at getting turn-overs and is really good at playing in the end zone, but

dartboard: Butt?

Kim: But, but, I prefer baseball. I love being the catcher.

dartboard: Won’t get there either.

Kim: Sorry, but really got to be going. I’m running behind, big time.

dartboard: What’s up?

Kim: I’m having a barbeque.

dartboard: Thought you were vegetarian?

Kim: I am -- I don’t cook hamburgers but people love my buns.

dartboard: And so do we.

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD: where all your questions get all the right answers

2010-02-09T13:31:00.009-05:00

HEY Dart,

Hope you can read this, my typing really sucks. To get right to the point, my problem is that when I make love to my boyfriend, I am very loud. So loud it makes my lovers deaf. This has happened more than once. My whole apartment building complains of my noises.

The worst part was that last night I was so loud that it made my lover totally deaf. I now find it very hard to talk to him because he can't hear. In fact, I can't even ask him, 'How was I?'. What shall I do?

MONA LOTT

----------------

Mona, Mona, Mona,

Have you tried playing charades?

+ + +

Hello dart,

just wondering if you're alone? You are? That's great! And what are you wearing? Mmmmm that's sexy, very sexy! Can you take it off for me? WOW! You have such a beautiful body. Can you bring it a little closer to me? I bet you it's very warm and wet.

PHIL HERSNATCH

----------

Look P.H., if i told you once, I told you twice, Don't EVER bother me when I'm in the toilet!

+ + + +

Dart,
please I need you're help badly. I am a male, over fifty years old and I'm very embarrassed to admit it, but I NEVER, ever, not even once, have been on a blind date. Can you help?

STEVIE WONDER

---------------

Look Stevie, it's no wonder you haven't been on a blind date. Who would even think, let themselves even think, about going, on any kind of date, with someone with the name of STEVIE.

* * * *

Your Ad Here

Psychic kiki tells ALL!

2010-02-03T21:13:00.004-05:00

Other psychics are always trying to bust her balls. Why? Because Psychickiki (as her name suggests) has something extra they don’t have. An extra ball. Having these two (crystal) balls, let her see what those others can’t and she’s not afraid to expose these here:

o A nightclub will open up that’s so exclusive it will have no members.

o A terrorist lumberjack will try to chop down the Washington Monument.

o An upcoming major outbreak of the rockin’ pneumonia and the boogie woogie flu will rock Memphis.

o Andy Dick will change his name to Andy Penis.

o Archeologists will discover the Statue of Liberty is in fact a crossdresser.

o Castro Oil will be found in Cuba.

o Chia salads will be the next health food trend.

o Cookie monster will bake in the California sun.

o Driving while chewing gum will be outlawed.

o Elton John will sell portable toilets named after him.

o Hugh Hefner will admit he’s gay and he loves dressing as a bunny.

o Jay Leno will be caught lip-syncing his monologue.

o Mister Bubble will be found drowned in a bathtub. CSI will investigate.

o Pamela Anderson will tell all who listen she enjoys the breast stroke.

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Nicole making SENSE?

2010-01-30T21:31:00.003-05:00

(from the Huffington Post) Newly brunette mother-of-two Nicole Richie covers the March issue of British Marie Claire and inside she tries to lay rest to the rumors that she ever had an eating disorder.

"I felt it was a little unfair to say someone has an eating disorder when they don't. It's extremely insulting and irresponsible," she told the magazine.

"An eating disorder is serious and it's a disease. I don't think you can lightly say someone has a disease unless they are openly telling you that they do."

Nicole started looking frighteningly thin towards the end of 2004 while filming 'The Simple Life.' In 2006 she sought medical treatment at her father's urging to stop her frame from shrinking any further.

* * *

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WOODY gets a WOODY

2010-01-29T20:26:00.003-05:00

Your Ad Here

hmm, looking for MEMBERS

2010-01-28T19:04:00.003-05:00

Your Ad Here

PROOF! You have been abducted and living with ALEINS.

2010-01-28T11:04:00.007-05:00

 No cable TV. Just antennas.

 Tanning salons make you dark green or blue.

 Away games for their sport teams are more than a million miles away.

 Men have no desire to watch porn.

 No soft two-ply toilet paper.

 The planet had no (not one) ((nada)) Starbucks

 Children’s names are all numbers. Pre-schoolers are fractions.

 Reality TV and MTV are the only thing on television.

 The planet has no Elvis or Michael Jackson impersonators.

 They can figure out the Da Vinci Code in less than a minute.

 They laugh till they pee watching Will Farrell movies.

 It costs over $10,000 in change to phone home. Taking collect calls is not allowed and illegal.

 Everybody speaks Spanish.

* * *

Your Ad Here

THE DARTBOARD INTERVEW: Today's target - Ellen DeGeneres

2010-01-27T15:38:00.016-05:00

D.B. -- Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Ellen.

ELLEN -- Thank you, is it my turn?

D.B. -- Not a pub game, THE DARTBOARD is an internet site.

ELLEN -- Is it gay porn? I love gay porn.

D.B. -- Sorry. Not really. Do you mind answering for us and our many readers a few questions today?

ELLEN -- Shoot! And shoot me with all your queries – ha, ha, ha, that’s a joke. Get it? QUEER – EES!

D.B. -- Seriously, why did you decide to come out of the closet when you did a few years ago.

ELLEN -- It was dark and I kept bumping into hangers and scratching my head. Not attractive. The worst part was it smelled like moths, specifically moth balls. You know what male moths have between their little moth legs.? Get that one! Ha ha ha! I'm just so full of jokes.

D.B. -- Yes, full of it - can I ask you a fashion question?

ELLEN -- Is it a query? Ha ha, I'm on a roll. I can’t stop. Hit me!

D.B. -- Okay.

ELLEN -- Ouch, my arm. That hurt. What’s the question?

D.B. -- Do you ever wear any dresses and high heels?

ELLEN -- Just to bed, when it’s my turn.

D.B. -- Have you ever had long hair?

ELLEN -- Just on my legs.

D.B. -- Let’s change the subject…

ELLEN -- I’m not changing into a dress if that’s what you’re hinting.

D.B. -- Not. Okay, now that you’re the new judge on AMERICAN IDOL, are you looking forward to sitting next to Simon?

ELLEN -- Looking forward to it… hell ya, she’s one of my favorite woman singers. My all-time favorite song has always been “You’re So Vain”.

D.B. -- No, no, no, Simon Cowell. You’re thinking of Carly Simon.

ELLEN -- Ahhhhhhhh, yessssss I am, Not a secret anymore, I’m always thinking of her -- all the time -- mmmmmmm mmmmm.

D.B. -- Well, that's so interesting, but I'm afraid we're out of the space. Thank you for sharing your life and joining us here. It’s been a real treat and pleasure to talk to you, the second most funniest lesbian comedienne in all the world.

ELLEN -- Second? What? Who’s first?

D.B. -- Rosie O’Donnell, that’s obvious.

ELLEN -- NO! It’s not obvious. It’s obvious that I am.

D.B. -- No it’s Rosie.

ELLEN -- ME!

D.B. -- No ROSIE!

ELLEN -- NO IT”S ME ME ME ME ME!

D.B. -- ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE ROSIE!

ELLEN -- GOOD-BYE!

* * *

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She's back... our favorite stand-up comedian, WELCOME to the stage SUSAN BOYLE!

2010-01-26T20:17:00.011-05:00

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Oh my, such an outrage! Thank you moral guardians for protecting us from this!

2010-01-26T17:32:00.006-05:00

CANADA HISTORY MAGAZINE DROPS DOUBLE-ENTENDRE NAME

WINNIPEG, Manitoba (Reuters) - Canada's second-oldest magazine, The Beaver, is changing its name because its unintended sexual connotation has caused the history journal to become snagged in Internet filters and has turned off potential readers.

The Beaver was founded in 1920 as a publication of the Hudson's Bay Company, then a fur trader and now a department store chain. It has long since become a broader magazine about Canadian history and will change its name to Canada's History with its April issue, editor-in-chief Mark Reid said on Tuesday.

When The Beaver started publication, the name evoked only Canada's thriving fur industry. Ninety years later, the fur trade has diminished and the magazine's name has become slang for female genitals.

Readers complained that Internet filters were blocking emails and newsletters from The Beaver, Reid said. The society also had concerns about attracting readers.

"Market research showed us that younger Canadians and women were very very unlikely to ever buy a magazine called The Beaver no matter what it's about," said Reid, adding he has mixed feelings about the name change. "For whatever reasons, they are turned off by the name.

+ + +

THE DARTBOARD found a few of the other names that the magazine also decided to reject.

The pussy, the twat, the vag, the snatch, the pink taco, the clit, the cooter, the box, the muff, the fur-burger, the poon, the va-jay-jay, the cooch, the hole, the gash, poontang, and of course -- the slit.

* * *

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Excuse me Paris Hilton, have you ever had the time to read Shakespeare?

2010-01-26T12:41:00.003-05:00

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NEW uses - OLD products

2010-01-26T12:19:00.003-05:00

* * *

Your Ad Here

Does it come with a rubber?

2010-01-26T11:13:00.001-05:00

From across the really, really, big pond, our favorite English newspaper THE SUN reports:

“TODAY we lift the lid on the latest internet craze - sex education illustrated with PENS.
It sees a range of stationery used to depict different types of couples and even saucy acts.
In the snaps, blue and red Biros represent men and women respectively.
Well-endowed fellas are chunky markers while transvestites are a mix of both colours.
And for those lacking a bit of lead in their pencil there's even a "Viagra" sharpener.
The cheeky pen portraits - which have been sweeping the web in an email - walk a fine line between being too rude and a write laugh.”

Read more: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/features/2824439/Sex-education-explained-with-pens.html?#EMC-Bltn#ixzz0djeAOeud

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just a reminder

2010-01-25T23:21:00.002-05:00

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when ARNOLD speaks - you listen!

2010-01-25T21:33:00.003-05:00

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CELINE, what are you thinking?

2010-01-25T20:30:00.005-05:00

-- That’s it – no more lemon drops before the show.

-- I wish I would have remembered to put my teeth in.

-- That lipstick tasted funny – like Crazy Glue.

-- Does this face make my boobs look bigger?

-- Do you like my impression of a fish?

-- Oooooo I gotta go like a racehorse, I hope I can hold it in.

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD: Dart answers all your questions

2010-01-25T15:52:00.007-05:00

Dear D.B.,
Just curious – but did you know if you read you name (D.B.), it sounds a like the girl's name Debbie. Isn’t that creepy?

I.M. Nutz

+ + +

Dear I.M.,
what is more creepy than that is your initials (I.M.) don’t tell me, or anybody else that cares, that if you’re male or female. D.B., (I'm trying to sound and act like a Debbie would) a good idea is maybe you should get that fixed before you ever write here ever again.

--------------

Dear Dart,
Hope you can help!!! My problem is food. My problem is eating. My problem is not eating any food. I love to cook but anything that comes off the stove never goes in my mouth. I go into Burger King and even the Whopper never even comes close to my lips. Same with McDonalds. I tried going vegetarian because I thought it would be less not to eat but that didn’t work. I just don’t what to do. My doctor tried to help me by giving me a prescription for donuts. I lied and told him I was a muffin person. He told me to “get stuffed”.

I know that you can give me the honesr advice that I need right now. I believe in your words. You and the tooth fairy are the only things that’s the real thing.

Please answer soon – my job as a lap dancer is on the line.

Luv ya,

Robin Graves

+ + +

Robin,

Okay, listen careful. So you don’t forget, maybe you should write this down. I’ll wait till you get a pen. La la la.

Ready? Good.

Now first thing to do is when you wake up in the morning, get out of bed, go to the kitchen, and eat a BIG bowl of bran flakes. If you don’t have any, get some raisin bran and pick out all the raisins, then eat what’s left in the box. Repeat at lunch. Then again at supper and again before bed.

If you wake-up in the night, run to the kitchen and have another BIG bowl. I guarantee by the following morning all your problems will be behind you.

If you’re wondering, I won’t be doing the same because honestly, I don’t give a crap!!

+ + +

Hey Dartboard,

I saw Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie on my TV last night.

Cy Koe

------

Did you try to push them off?

* * *

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Celine, qu'est que ce la problem?

2010-01-25T00:08:00.002-05:00

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Let’s hear it from the girls -- “My face or yours” and other LESBIAN PICK-UP LINES

2010-01-24T12:03:00.003-05:00

o Excuse me! Can we be OUT front with each other?

o Can you hit me below the belt?

o Hello kitten, I’m smitten.

o Hello! I’m your main course – hope it like me well-done.

o I don’t have to go to Holland to see such a well-built dyke.

o I have a secret – can you keep us between us girls?

o I hope you’re name is Susan, so you can sue me.

o I’m thinking of a good vibration – join me.

o If I were straight I’d still want you.

o Interested in a lots of touch and go.

o Isn’t it time to be gay and play?

o Join me in my playpen, I have lots of toys.

o Just because I look straight it doesn’t mean I am.

o Let’s get down for a good time.

o Lez be close friends!

o My ex-boyfriend was a girl.

o My place is downstairs wanna come?.

o Remember me – I put the ho into homo.

o Strap-on, strap off.

o When I see you, I can’t even think straight.

o Don’t go now, wait and come with me.

* * *

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OCTOMOM........meet..............OCTODAD

2010-01-23T22:27:00.003-05:00

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LOOK, who has a fashion line!

2010-01-23T07:54:00.002-05:00

I READ THE NEWS AGAIN TODAY (oh boy!)

2010-01-22T14:17:00.011-05:00

USA TODAY reports that BURGER KING plans to pair beer and burgers in a new fast food eatery appropriately called the Whopper Bar in South Beach, Florida.

The restaurant will offer a range of burgers, toppings and beer, with a 'Whopper Combo' costing $7.99, or about $2 more than regular.

Whopper Bars will only open in South Beach, New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

+ + +

MEANWHILE... a "so-there!" rumor (idea?) comes from across the street at the home of Ronald and the BIG MAC.

* * *

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THOUGHT de JOUR

2010-01-22T11:44:00.003-05:00

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PSYCKIKI -- her balls tell all

2010-01-22T11:37:00.002-05:00

If you missed PSYCHKIKI, so have we. When we found and caught up with her, she was alone in her house, sitting in the dark, playing with her balls. Knowing this fact would make many other psychics would laugh, And in turn, this fact would make Kiki laugh. But between her ha-has, and holding her balls real tight, she offered these amazing predictions:

 To honor his environmental concerns, George Clooney with have a trash can named after him – it will be called a CLOONEY BIN.

 A dentist will be charged with malpractice. He will be found to be that one dentist who out of ten who does not recommend Crest.

 The tooth fairy will come out of the closet admit he’s gay.

 Jack and Jill will try to climb Mount Everest.

 Heidi and Spenser will be kidnapped and no one will pay the ransom.

 The price of Swiss cheese will come down because of consumer complaints that the holes are too big.

 “Dark Chocolate” will be termed as a politically incorrect term.

 James Bond will be replaced by Secret Agent 008.

 Cutbacks will cause the TV show “60 Minutes” reduced to “30 Minutes”

 Due to the rash of art gallery thefts, classic expensive painting will be replaced with photocopies of them. Statues replaced with play-doh replicas.

* * *

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INTERVIEWS for DUMMIES

2010-01-22T01:11:00.009-05:00

At one time or another, we all have had to look for a employment. During this tedious process, after answering the ad, you might even be lucky enough to be called in for an interview.

Answering these interview questions may be the number one factor to whether or not you will be on that job next week.

To help you with this scarey process, you can relax.

THE DARTBOARD is here to the rescue!

Here we will give you the questions and as well as the answers that will not only nail the interview for you but also will have the interviewer (as well as everyone else) talking about you for decades.

Q#1 - How long have you been looking for a job?
(Concern – is there something wrong with you that other employers have picked up?)

A#1 - “Ummmm, what time is it?”

A#1a - “Soon after my mom told me to pay rent or get out.”

(for the men) A#1c – “Last night, when I saw there was a strip joint across the street.”

(for the women) A#1d – “After the strip joint across the street closed.”

Q#2 How did you prepare for this interview?
(Concern – are you interested enough to do some research, or are you going to “wing it”?)

(for the women) A# 2a –“Doesn’t my new rack tell you anything?”

(for the men) A#2b – “I wrote ‘Dear Abby’ and watched ‘The View’. ”

Q#3 - What is your salary expectation for this job?
(Concern – Can we afford you? Can we get you for less than budgeted?)

A#3 – “Mmmm salary, I love it in a salad.”

Q#4 - How do you keep current and informed about your job and the industries that you have worked in?
(Concern – Once you get the job do you continue to learn and grow – stay
challenged and motivated?)

A#4 - “I watch late night TV monologues.”

Q#5 - Tell me about a time when you had to plan and coordinate a project from start to finish.
(Concern – behavioral questions – seeking an example of specific past behavior)

A#5 – “I figured out when the best time would be to clean my cat’s litter box and when it's time to change it.”

Q#6 - What kinds of people do you have difficulties working with?
(Concern – ability to be flexible and work in a diverse environment?)

A#6 - “My parents and anyone else who tells me what to do.”

Q#7 - We expect managers to work more than 8 hours a day.
Do you have a problem with that?
(Concern – are you a work-aholic or a person who requires balance?)

A#7 - “No problem – as long as I’m outta here for last call.”

Q#8 - When have you been most satisfied in your career?
(Concern – what motivates you? Or demotivates you?)

A#8 - “When I told my last boss to take his job and shove it.”

Q#9 - Why do you want this job?
(Concern – are you using the shot-gun approach to job search or do you really know what you want?)

A#9 – “To save you time – nobody else would want it.”

Q#10 - We are ready to make an offer. Are you ready to accept today?
(Concern – we don’t want you to go away and think about it and change your mind – we want you.)

A#10 - “Can I get the cash now - I don't trust you.”

+ +

Follow these A’s after these Q’s and you’re in the door.

* * *

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YOU DECIDE!

2010-01-21T23:36:00.001-05:00

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See me, feel me, x-SQUEEZE ME -- puh-lease ladies don't try to do the CROTCH WALK!

2010-01-21T10:38:00.014-05:00

NOT A MICHAEL JACKSON STAGE MOVE, “Crotch walking" explains SHOPLIFTING STATISTICS AND TACTICS (a crime prevention website) as a theft tactic that is cleverly performed by women.

They simply wear a full dress or skirt into the store, place an item between their thighs, and walk out of the business like it is any other normal shopping day.

Women with stronger thighs have been known to shoplift larger ticket items like electronics.”

+ + +

There is an obvious Oprah Winfrey joke here -- but being afraid of the star of the cover of O MAGAZINE and her lawyers -- THE DARTBOARD will let your own imagination tell it.

* * *

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THE DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Mariah Carey -- she gets BUSTED!

2010-01-20T15:53:00.010-05:00

DARTBOARD: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD Mariah Carey.

MARIAH: Thank you, can I sit down?

DARTBOARD: Sure. Just wondering, do you read what the newspapers, gossip magazines, and entertainment shows, say about you?

MARIAH: I try to keep abreast of that.

DARTBOARD: What about what happened recently at that awards show where you appeared to be drunk?

MARIAH: Oh that – yes that, I feel like such a boob about that.

DARTBOARD: People said some pretty mean things about you.

MARIAH: I know I have my knockers.

DARTBOARD: I hear your making a new movie with some special effects in it. Can you tell us anything about it?
MARIAH: Sorry, all I can tell you it it will be more than exciting than 3D or triple D as I size it up.

DARTBOARD: I can see that.

MARIAH: I noticed you drove here in your new car.

DARTBOARD: Yes. I got cause it’s very safe, it has huge airbags.

DARTBOARD: Good looking car.

MARIAH: Yeah, Notice the big set of headlights.

DARTBOARD: I did. Where were you coming from?

MARIAH: Oh I was having some a fruit at a restaurant.

DARTBOARD: You like fruit?

MARIAH: I love my melons and my coconuts really stand out.

DARTBOARD: OK.

MARIAH: And they have fresh ones at Hooters. And they have the most delicious cold iced tea.

DARTBOARD: Is that your favorite drink?

MARIAH: Oh yes, I have big jugs at home.

DARTBOARD: I heard you’re on your way to the airport. Going to France?

MARIAH: Oooooo yes, I love to tan at Cannes.

DARTBOARD: Have Fun.

MARIAH: Ciao. And big ta-tas to all my fans.

DARTBOARD: Thanks for nipping in.

* * *

Your Ad Here

BUSTED!

2010-01-18T18:17:00.006-05:00

And the winner is...

Sorry, NOT #2!

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drink up!

2010-01-18T17:56:00.002-05:00

Your Ad Here

the DARTBOARD INTERVIEW: Jessica Simpson

2010-01-18T12:09:00.006-05:00

D.B.: Welcome to THE DARTBOARD, Jessica Simpson.

JESSICA : Darn it, I been practicing at home and I forgot to bring my darts.

D.B.: Sorry this is actually an internet site called THE DARTBOARD.

JESSICA : The internet? Is that thing still going?

D.B.: Sure is.

JESSICA : Hmmm, maybe I should buy one.

D.B.: Maybe you should. To start, did you have any role models that you modeled your acting career on?

JESSICA : Oh ya, definitely.

D.B.: Who would that be?

JESSICA : I always wanted to be the next Ellie-May Clampet of the Beverly Hillbillies.

D.B.: Interesting.
So Jessica, I think we all want to know, what’s new relationship-wise?

JESSICA : Relations? Oh, Ashley is is fine.

D.B.: Sorry we meant how are the MEN in your life.

JESSICA : Oh the men. Daddy’s doing fine and Nick and I are still divorced

D.B.: You’re been quoted as saying “skinny models make me puke” – are you doing anything about that?

JESSICA : Eating more and staying away from long bus trips and bumpy plane rides. And momma’s grits of course. Sorry momma!

D.B.: Can we talk about your movies?

JESSICA : Sure thing.

D.B.: What was it like making the re-make of THE DUKES OF HAZZARD.

JESSICA : My daddy told me if you can’t say anything nice about something then don’t say anything at all.

D.B. : Okay, what about EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : BLONDE AMBITION?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : Didn’t you also appear in THE LOVE GURU playing yourself?

JESSICA : That was hard. No comment.

D.B. : How about your TV shows with NICK LACHEY?

JESSICA : No comment.

D.B. : Jessica, I think this interview is over.

JESSICA : Are you telling me that my boots, or my boobs, are made for walking.

D.B. : Yup, sure do, both of them.

* * *

Your Ad Here

LOHAN-A-THON

2010-01-17T18:07:00.007-05:00

OH NO! LILO!!

A sex tape allegedly featuring Lindsay Lohan has allegedly surfaced and is about to made public.

Lindsay is said to be the star of a 47-second (don’t blink) clip, which could be about to appear on the World Wide Web.

The Daily Mirror (newspaper not the piece of glass in the bathroom where you look to check yourself out) reports

“The video film is dynamite. It is pretty seedy and shows Lindsay engaged in a particular sex act, which, obviously, should remain behind closed doors”.

HUSTLER has reportedly already offered almost $200,000 for the footage, which was shot by a waiter.

(Talk about room service).

+ + +

At the DARTBOARD, we feel what that magazine is doing is vile and degrading. So much so, we want to stop their evil deed.

To do this, we need your help DARTBOARD READERS. By sending in your dollars we can outbid this dirty-girlie magazine for this celebrity pornography.

Can you think of a better charitable cause?

After acquiring this “sex tape”, we promise to keep it in a safe place and let no one view it (unless they buy a copy for $49.95 plus tax, and a small fee for shipping and handling).

So readers, from your heart, please donate your dollars.

Two digits is good, three better, four digits or more – we will drive fast to your house to pick it up!

DO IT for the cause. (LINDSAY DOES!)

Give till it hurts (LINDSAY DOES THAT TOO!)

* * *

Your Ad Here

"ASK me no questions & I'll tell you no lies!"

2010-01-17T17:02:00.011-05:00

If we believe everything we see in the movies (especially documentary ones), Madonna has a secret son who’s older than her last boyfriend. Madge supposedly gave birth in to the tot in 1973 -- at the age of 15.

The trailer for the movie appropriately called MATERIAL BOY calls the revelation

“the best ever kept secret in the history of pop music”.

+ + +

What’s next?

“Michael Jackson was gay”.

+ + +

DART did some research and found out some clues to why this MADONNA rumor may in fact be true and some facts about her abandoned boy-child.

 Madonna did have an early hit single with “Like A Virgin”.

 The son has the initials J.C. and his father’s name was Joe.

 He has 12 friends that follow him around and with whom he dines with regularly on fridays.

 J.C.'s favorite piece of clothing is his toga.

 His favorite shoes are sandals.

 He is very polite always saying “Bless you”.

 The Beatles (who we trust not to lie) wrote “Lady Madonna, children at your feet” before she had any legitimate ones.

 There is no birth date on his driver’s license and he gets double gifts for Christmas.

* * *

Your Ad Here

A l'il dirty joke for all ye young lads & lassies

2010-01-17T16:13:00.006-05:00

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time

I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

* * *

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Excuse me, could you tell us PARIS Hilton, do you really believe what yout t-shirt says?

2010-01-14T16:13:00.005-05:00

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“HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!” -- CALCIUM-RICH ASTRONAUT PEE CLOGS WATER RECYCLING SYSTEM

2010-01-13T20:23:00.011-05:00

WHAT A PISS-OFF!

(NEWSER) – The unexpectedly calcium-rich urine of International Space Station astronauts is causing major headaches for NASA engineers. The calcium is clogging the station's $250 million water recycling system and engineers are trying to come up with a fix in time for the Endeavour shuttle's trip to the International Space Station next month, Reuters reports.
The system worked fine when it was tested on earth, say engineers. They believe astronaut's urine may be so high in calcium because of the loss in bone density suffered by people living in zero gravity. "We've learned a lot more about urine than we ever needed or wanted to know," said station flight director David Korth.

+ + +

DART THOUGHT that the reason astronauts went for spacewalks was to go.

And

 If they remembered to put the seat down after, would they still have this embarassing situation?

 Do the women astronauts still pee sitting down?

 Who forgot to flush?

 Do the women have separate facilities?

 Do you think you could get out of all this gear in time without leaking?

 Another example that (even in space) drinking and driving don’t mix.

----

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"VIVA" and "Hello Dolly!"

2010-01-13T19:13:00.015-05:00

LAS VEGAS - A New Jersey company says it has developed "the world's first sex robot," a life-size rubber doll that's designed to engage the owner with conversation rather than lifelike movement.

At a demonstration at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas on Saturday, the dark-haired, negligee-clad robot said "I love holding hands with you" when it sensed that its creator touched its hand.

Owners can choose Roxxxy’s race, hair color, and breast size all to their individual liking.

Owners will also be able to select different personalities for Roxxxy, from "Wild Wendy" to "Frigid Farrah," the makers say.

They're charging somewhere from $7,000 to $9,000 for the robot, including the laptop, and they expect to start shipping in a few months.

+ + +

DART ponders:

• Will Farrah be free of computer viruses?

• Can the doll be bought on a layaway plan?

• Will this doll be anatomically correct or just have nuts?

• For $9,000 who would bother with and buy “Frigid Farrah”?

• Will the doll respond to commands like “Shut-up!” and “Get me a beer!”

• If so cheap, why didn’t Tiger Woods have ten?

• Will used dolls show up on “Craig’s List”?

• What happens when rubber meets rubber?

• Is she cheaper than a promising cheap dinner and a movie date every Saturday night for the next year?

• Will the male version vary in cost in “parts” depending on the nationality?

• Who are creepy guys touching her?

• AND... Is it extra FOR THREESOME?

----------

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I READ THE NEWS TODAY (oh boy!)

2010-01-13T11:07:00.005-05:00

A new STUDY shows that every hour per day spent in front a computer raises your risk of early death from heart disease by 18%. Meaning, someone who spends an average of two hours a day is 36% more susceptible than someone who spends none, even if they're not obese and exercise.

RAISING the RISK of dying from cancer by 8%, and all causes 11%. The Australian study actually looked at more than 8,000 people who spent more than four hours of a day.

BUT the problem isn't the watching YouTube or tweeting, it's sitting down for long periods of time.

+ + +

{WHEW, that was close!}

* * *

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just a DOORHANGER - don't get paranoid

2010-01-12T12:10:00.002-05:00

----------------

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MAKING THE OLYMPICS WATCHABLE

2010-01-12T11:48:00.003-05:00

..THE PILEDRIVER

***

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GIRL TALK

2010-01-12T11:22:00.003-05:00

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on the carpet

2010-01-11T12:31:00.001-05:00

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on the tube

2010-01-11T12:23:00.002-05:00

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The Pros of An Office Romance (with your boss)

2010-01-10T18:27:00.003-05:00

 Better chance of a promotion

 Not getting hassled about long breaks, long lunches or lateness

 Getting the best gift at Christmas

 Gives you something to twitter about

 Somebody to get naughty with on the photocopy machine

 Unlimited pens, paper, and other office supplies to take home without questioning where they went

 Being the first to get any new equipment

 Good practice in acting when talking to their spouse

 Don’t have to know any office skills

 Business trips with expenses included

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COMING SOON?

2010-01-10T17:38:00.002-05:00

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PSYCHICKIKI >> the only PSYCHIC with two (count 'em) balls!!

2010-01-10T16:43:00.007-05:00

She’s been staring at them for the past few hours. What is about the future that her balls tell her that she wants to share with us now, only Kiki knows and Kiki will tell us now:

o Wonder Woman will return. This time much more sexier – not weaing her Wonderbra.

o Boy George will finally go through puberty causing his voice to change and name to Man George.

o Starbucks will open a location on the moon.

o Because of global warming Eskimos will be buying swimming pools.

o Pamela Anderson will soon be busted (sorry ignore this, she is already).

o 7 Up will finally reveal what 6 Up and what the problrm with the other Ups were.

o Lady Gaga will marry herself.

o Smoking grass skirts will become legal in Hawaii.

o Bingo will be outlawed in Las Vegas.

o The Eiffel Tower will be tilted so that Parisians (without cable) can get more TV stations.

* * *

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just IMAGINE

2010-01-10T16:01:00.002-05:00

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BABE ALERT >> babe warning?

2010-01-07T17:15:00.003-05:00

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WHEN YOUR ROOMMATE HAS GOT TO GO

2010-01-07T16:58:00.006-05:00

 He/she uses your cat as a mop.

 He/she ask you to tie his/her shoes for them.

 He/she is always reminding you that his/her birthday is coming.

 He/she keeps inviting his/her parents over for weekend sleepovers.

 He/she uses the microwave to dry their underwear and sox.

 He/she starts every conversation with “it’s your turn to”.

 He/she brings PETA members over to see your new leather couch.

 He/she reads to you out loud to you in Chinese.

 He/she counts bread slices before breakfast.

 He/she pays his/her half of the rent in pennies.

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THIS ISN'T GOOFY

2010-01-07T16:49:00.003-05:00

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MEN! You know you’ve you been single too long, when

2010-01-07T11:31:00.006-05:00

.

...you find an old packet of condoms and you have great fun making balloons out of them.
...when your right hand tells you to try the left because it is tired.
...you're best friend is a warm sheet.
...when you pick up the phone to call a woman and the only woman you know is your mom.
...when your friends introduce you as the "he’s single -- might be gay".
…when you know everything variety of SWANSON’S.
…your dad invites you to come downstairs and watch THE FAMILY GUY with him.
...you sniff your underwear to check whether if they are clean.
...you then turn them inside out and wear them again.
...you then realize you did the same thing the day before.
...the last woman that saw you in her underwear was your mother.

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SIGN OF THE TIMES

2010-01-07T09:29:00.001-05:00

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Revealed: ACCORDING TO THE NY POST: 12,775 conquests by Hollywood’s greatest loverboy (Warren Beatty)

2010-01-06T19:30:00.008-05:00

HMMMMMM...

{more of what THE NY POST says}

'How many women were there? Easier to count the stars in the sky

But in his rollicking new book "Star: How Warren Beatty Seduced America" (Simon & Schuster), biographer Peter Biskind hazards a guess about the conquests of Hollywood's most notorious lothario -- based, he says, on "simple arithmetic. "Biskind estimates "12,775 women, give or take, a figure that does not include daytime quickies, drive-bys, casual gropings, stolen kisses and so on.

{MEANWHILE website NEWSER'S Nathan Heller calculates}

13 Reasons Warren Beatty Didn't Bed 13K Women

Herewith, 13 reasons why Warren Beatty probably seduced less of America than his biographer believes:

1 - Biskind assumes either that Beatty bedded each partner only once, in the manner of insects, or that he carried on at least two relationships every day of his life, which challenges everything we know about the possibilities for getting from here to there in L.A. traffic.

2 - Today, good noninvasive birth-control measures have a failure rate of about 1 percent. If Beatty's encounters had followed these odds, he might have conceived more than 100 children. For the intractable complications thereof, see (1).

3 - If Beatty failed to make a conquest in the course of a day, he would have needed to redouble his efforts to maintain Biskind's average. For example, he might have had to seduce four separate women one day to catch up after inclement weather or a rigorous filming schedule. An observation from personal experience: I met two friends on opposite ends of town for coffee on Saturday. It took the whole day. Good luck fitting sex in there.

4 - Another observation from personal experience: Seducing four women a day is not possible.

5 - Biskind's proposed seduction rate also does not allow for the possibility of intermittent trips to the grocery store.

6 - Or squash.

7 - Why was Beatty, a movie star, coming into contact with so many strangers, anyway? Was he a) going door-to-door? b) hanging out in malls?

8 - If he was hanging out in malls, should we feel sorry for him? Note that Beatty had no iPhone.

9 - In order to meet Biskind's estimate, Beatty would have had to seduce more women per week than James Bond, which is impossible to fathom.

10 - Bedsores.

11 - Herpes.

12 - Biskind's model doesn't account for the fact that Beatty came increasingly to resemble Rick Moranis.

13 - Was Warren Beatty ever really that irresistible to begin with? François Truffaut famously said of the actor, on turning down Bonnie and Clyde, a script he admired, "Better not to make a film at all than to make it with men like this." Surely Truffaut was not an isolated case.

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DART invents a better mousetrap

2010-01-06T18:43:00.001-05:00

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BULLSEYE: Dart answers all of your important questions (cause DART knows best!)

2010-01-06T09:11:00.005-05:00

Dear Dart,

Sorry to bother you. I am currently planning a TRIP to California where I plan on buying some real cool brightly colored clothes and a real cool headband so I can chill-out and listen to my Woodstock albums. Can you get into it and dig it?

Can you be real cool and tell me where I can get such items?

Ellis Dee
San Francisco

+++

Dear E.D.,

Too words: TIMOTHY LEARY IS DEAD and CHARLES MANSON IS IN JAIL.

---------------

Hello dart,
My problem is that my boyfriend likes to do girly things.

He loves wearing bras and panties and putting ribbons in his hair. Watching Twilight movies are his latest passion. He even likes to bake me cookies. To make this situation really bad, every month, like clockwork, he gets real mean and cranky for a few days.

Could you please help me fix him because I’m getting really poor for having to pay for him at restaurants and having to ask his parents for their permission to take him out on dates.

Eva Destuction
Hellhole

+++

Dear E.D.,

Have you ever thought of becoming a lesbian?

--------------------------

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airport x-ray, x-ray, read (see?) all about it!

2010-01-06T08:27:00.003-05:00

Sky Harbor International Airport here will test a new federal screening system that takes X-rays of passenger's bodies to detect concealed explosives and other weapons.

The technology, called backscatter, has been around for several years but has not been widely used in the U.S. as an anti-terrorism tool because of privacy concerns.

The Transportation Security Administration said it has found a way to refine the machine's images so that the normally graphic pictures can be blurred in certain areas while still being effective in detecting bombs and other threats.

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another night with PARIS

2010-01-05T22:51:00.002-05:00

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